Let’s Talk Couples Counselling

By Dr Sharon Gold                   

Many couples feel ashamed and embarrassed admitting that they are having relationship problems. Research shows that approximately twenty percent of couples experiencing relationship issues seek couples therapy. It is thought that one of the main reasons for this low take-up is the social stigma attached to mental health. 

Increasingly public education campaigns are playing an important role in normalising mental health issues and raising awareness around the value of taking care of one’s psychological and emotional health and wellbeing. This is especially important when considering that around forty-five percent of Australians will experience mental health difficulties at least once in their lives. 

Having therapy can initially feel confronting because it means that people are facing issues that they have in all probability been doing their best to avoid. Couples therapy is no different. Research has shown that most couples wait on average, six years before they finally come into therapy to work on their relationship. Couples therapy can be challenging as discussing issues that have been genuinely bothering a person can be overwhelming. Clients often fear that bringing up specific topics might make matters worse. However, what can be worse than living with one or more elephants in the room? 

Often couples counselling involves partners seeking to rebuild their relationships, using the tools they learn in therapy to help them to make more positive life decisions. Ongoing relationship distress in a family dynamic can exert a harmful effect on each partner’s psychological and emotional wellbeing as well as negatively impact any children involved. If there is toxic conflict added to the mix, then each partner can easily become flooded with stress hormones, adrenaline and or cortisol, as they enter the fight or flight response. This situation can lead to extremely hurtful things being said or done that can rupture and even permanently damage the relationship leaving trust, connection, safety and security in ruins. The loneliness and isolation that one can feel as a result of the creep from the escalating emotional distance can become quite overwhelming and can leave people feeling lost and not knowing where or in which direction to turn. 

People could benefit from couples therapy if they are experiencing any of the following red flags:

• Toxic communication (put-downs, defensiveness, criticisms, stonewalling, contempt)
• Feeling emotionally distant 
• Resentment and feeling unappreciated
• Difficulty relying on each other and feeling unsupported
• Feelings of low self-worth and fears of abandonment
• Difficulty opening up emotionally
• Problems with sexual intimacy 
• Difficulties with the in-laws, or poor boundaries in friendships and with work
• Abuse, affairs, and addictions 
• Differences in parenting styles that lead to conflict 
• Disagreement over how finances should be managed
• History of childhood trauma, anxiety and depression issues that complicate relationships

Couples therapists can help clients learn and master new strategies and tools to reshape relationships. If couples do not feel ready for therapy, then I encourage them to consider having a Relationship Checkup (3 sessions) or Discernment Counselling (1-5 sessions) which looks at how a relationship got to where it presently sits. It identifies each partner’s role and helps couples to make a decision to either end the relationship, maintain the present status quo (keep going as it is), or commit to six months of couples therapy to try to save the relationship. 

Think of couples therapy as taking your relationship in for a service, much like you take your car in for a service. Some couples choose to do an annual couples checkup to keep their relationship in top condition. I offer couples a free 15-minute phone consultation to ask any questions that they may have about couples therapy and see if I am the right fit for them.